What am I?

I observe…

I think…

I bend…

I try to be everybody, but yet, I am nobody.

—

Just You 🐰

Obsession

Lots have happened.

A lot has changed.

My obsession for you stays, even after so many years.

Today, I again asked you if I could meet you sometime near the future.

Your schedule is packed, as usual.

I didn’t give up, I preceded to tell you that I missed her so much that I would want to meet her, a lot.

She told me it would be nice to meet up.

I don’t know.

I feel sad, I feel excited, I feel lost, I feel disappointed, I feel suspicious again, thinking if that was what she said just to shut me up, just to make me feel better. Does she really want to see me.

Everything has changed;

Yet nothing has changed.

Untitled

You are the only girl who can make me this jealous, even toward your past.

I feel sad whenever I think of your past, how you would keep forgiving and staying with him after everytime he disappointed you.

The fact that you do not feel that you love me or like me enough to be in a relationship with me feel extremely sad. 

I hate it when I do not feel I am included in your life. I never get invited to meet with your friends etc. 

I hate it that you do not come and see me as often.

I hate the feeling that we are slowly falling apart, and moving into different directions.

What am I to you? I hate to listen that you said to me you are not mine.

You make me happy, you also make me depressed.

Without you, there is no meaning in life. I cannot see a future with you, even I really want one, but it seems impossible. life is just meaningless to me. Future without you is equivalent to a no future to me. 

I guess it is hard for anyone to understand my feelings toward you, how needy I am and how much I want from you.

Do you know I can get all depressed when you do not call me for just one night. I can get depressed when you refuse to hold my hand. I get jealous so easily, I hate the feelings that I will lose you. I know I am selfish, I want you to fill my void of needs. I just want you and you.

Nobody means a thing to me except from you. You are the only thing I care in life.

Feelings. Knowing. Understanding.

I know how I feel, maybe not to be exact.
However, I know I am not healthy inside.
I am broken.It does not change how I see myself and it does not make me hate myself at all.

I am depressed; I am an attention seeker; I have a minor factitious disorder; I have trust problems; I am an alcoholic.
I always look for reassurance from different people, and I am codependent. I look for self-worth from other people.

I always know there are people in this world who suffer worse than I do, and I should feel lucky not to be one of them.
However, I did not choose to be who I am. So I accept who I am.

I have always known that you do not like me that much, at least not as much as I do.
I know this is not true love from me either, I am also selfish just like you are.
I chose to be with you or made you mind even with these many uncertainties, it may hurt you in the future.

After you told me yesterday, you said yes to be with me only because you have always enjoyed the affections I offer.
I have always known this, because I have been giving myself false hope, I still am.
I have been giving myself so many different excuses, that maybe one day, it may change.
I know it probably will not progress too much further.

I am showing my irrational side toward you.
I do not like games in relationships.
I suck at it.
If I think I am serious, then I you my inner side.
Give you my all the love from my sincere heart.

I know how I feel toward you and most girls are not true love,
they are simply and obsession,
I do want to know where you are, what you do all the time.
However, you know what,
I have known you for almost 9 years,
I knew I liked you the first year we met,
even thou we have an age difference.
I have been waiting for this to happen,
so finally chance came, so I took it.
I know it, I became obsessed into you,
I cannot stand a day without talking to you,
I would keep checking your last-in from time to time,
I become overly jealous,
I become codependent,
I feel happy just only you show the slightest affection toward me.
My happiness depends on you, it is not healthy, not at all.

What are we?

After being together for just less than a month,
you have already brought your insecurity feeling for quite a few times.You did not know what you wanted, or whether you wanted to be my girlfriend.

I may sound crazy, but do you know, I started having a crush on you since long ago.
Finally dream has come true, I then tried my hardest to be a caring boyfriend,
because I really want to keep you around my and as my girlfriend.
However, it did not work, never did.

After two days of intense conversations back and forth,
you told me you wanted us to carry on seeing each other and spend time like the past few months,
without thinking whether if we are in a relationship or not.
This indeed sounds great on your part, because then you can enjoy all the goods from me,
without the needs of committing anything into the relationship.
We both know, it is so selfish of you.
However, you know, I will wait, you always do.

I do not know how it will end between us.
To be honest, I feel betrayed. I feel depressed again.
I do not know if I have committed too much.
What it is now between us, are we still together?
I do want the status between us. I find it important.
I hope one day, you will feel secured enough to go out with me, without having this problem.
I hope, I only hope.

Wish me the best.
I only know. I really want you.

Insecurity.

We have only just started this relationship.
I am trying to try my very best and give you my heart.This seems to never end that I have the ability to drive whoever close to me away.

This is happening again, that you do not want to be hurt so you want to give up.
I also do not want to be hurt, but I am willing to gamble my fragile heart and to be with you.
I hope you are also willing to risk it and try your best to be with me.

I cannot be betrayed again.
I am not a strong guy, I am scared.
I cannot alter your decision, fingers crossed.
Hope my sincere-self can make you feel secured.

Finally, I have to say..
You have scared the shit out of me.

Season of Love !?

Finally, it has become true.
I did not expect it coming at all.

I rarely have such strong feelings for girls.
I rarely feel this nervous and blush around girls,
I know I feel this way only because I am scared of losing you.

When you asked me why I was nervous,
I am surprised I would be this honest and told you only because I liked you.
I was surprised my heart beat would so fast when I was close to you.
I was surprised how hot I got only by hugging you and being close to you.
I was surprised I would actually man-up and asked you to be my significant one.
You have unlocked the secret me, you have made me to get access with my feelings.

I hope, this will work out. I feel so comfortable and happy around you.
Fingers crossed and let’s just enjoy the time we spend together.

Just Be Happy Together.
Let the Love Season Begins.

Moving On.

Who would have ever thought this is happening.
It is like my dream has come true.

I know I think so much.
At least I feel so happy when I am around you.
Things are progressing slowly,
and I am willing to take this risk, and I will try to stay, for you and myself.

Today, I got your support.
That was the sweetest words I have ever heard from you so far.

Thank you 🙂

Lies, Love and Excitements…

Lies
I cannot believe how much of a liar you actually are.
Falsely accusing me for something I never did will never ever make you a better person.
You can even lie about your holiday.
What does you not lie?
Since the first time you cheated on me,
I never did believe you anymore.
You just kept lying to me again and again,
and finally, I found out you actually cheated on me before I broke up with you,
and you still tried to make me sound like an asshole to other people.
I do not, and never will, want to have any relationships with you, even as a friend.
You do not worth a dime to me.

Love and Excitements
You probably did not know,
I had a crush on you long time ago,
actually the first year I met you.
Now we have become very close,
at least this is how I feel now, I do not know if you feel the same.
I have developed a strong feeling for you again.
I want to stay, for myself. and for you.
Talking to you, does relieve my stress and sooth my soul,
seeing you, does make me forget everything else and put me in heaven.
I get excited every time before I see you,
then when I see you, I get nervous.
I always wonder if you like me the way I like you,
I hope you do, I really hope you do.

All I want from you, is a hug and a kiss from you,
they are all I need from you.

❤ 🙂

Getting Over.

I wonder how long it takes for oneself to get over someone.
I wonder how long it will take me to get over you.

When I sudden come across some films which happened to have appeared when we were together,
I do remember watching them when we were in the hotel room together.
When this happens, it always give me a heartache.

These can be my meanest curse ever,
I can only do this to release the rage inside me,
I hope, you will get STDs and AIDS for fucking around;
I hope, you will get an unexpected pregnancy for being this careless,
I hope, you will fail life.
I hope, I hope…